One of the many pains of growing up.

Every day, it seems, I learn a new lesson for life. Today has to be one of the hardest. It's never easy to look at yourself and take criticism, even if you are one giving it.

Today was a prime example, you see I have been an extremely silly and immature little girl. I thought that a fantastic way to get back at an ex lover and the girl he was "seeing" whilst involved with you, would be to do it virtually. By this, I don't mean pretend, I mean via the brilliant invention of facebook.

You see I knew the dates, times, places that the two went out together and I thought I should correlate this data, enclose it in an email and send it to the girls boyfriend. Oh did I forget to mention she had a long term boyfriend? LOL

Now, another thing that I've learnt about myself, is that I ma a coward. I'm not in certain situations, but when it came to be a bitch and hiding behind a computer screen, I was. So the only way around it, I could see, was to create a fake account and do it through them. That is exactly what I did, adding people from the University so as to make it seem legit, and using a picture form another friend there. Oh it all seems so easy... and I would have gotten away with it too, if it hadn't been for you pesky kids! (or rather me being too bitter and creating a very nasty group "******* is a two timing whore", and inviting people from the Uni to join)

That is where my great plan went wrong.

3 weeks down the line and my ACTUAL friends have fallen out with this girl because of me, thus making them dislike me :/

Totally my own fault and yet I am taking the victim route here, if it's all good with you. I mean when I talk to other people, I make out that I'm fine about it and have moved on. Like it's nothing. But it really made me evaluate myself and recognize that I'm actually not a very nice person. I am childish, petty and very very bitter. I blame this on Wendy. I know that's a cop out but I honestly believe it. I still haven't dealt with any of my past, testimony to this is the fact that I dream about her or it at least once a week. I need to sort this out or I'll never be able to move on. It's almost like I want compensation for it, which is obviously impossible.

So that, coupled with the fact that my first real test of trust was taken today. I started my new job yesterday and have struggled to not trust easily, which, as we have seen has been my major flaw forever. It gets me into so much trouble, in more ways than one. I've tried though, I still am trying. I know that it's part of growing up and seeing the world for what it really is. I don't want to be cynical like my dad, but to be fair, he's never been taken advantage of (and in this I clearly don't count Wendy).

I guess that cynical is the only way to survive in this world. I just hope I don't lose my imagination and enthusiasm for the world. I have to believe that there is good in everyone and hope in the world. Otherwise, what's the point?

Peace out xx

Whoops...

So the last post I made, "An Explanation..", yeah that went well. NOT.

I wrote what I felt, had felt about a particular person and it just so happened that the person saw it and didn't take to kindly to me writing about his less-than-lovely moments and personality traits.

He asked me to tweak it, and I did, a now I don't see any reason to censor my words at all. He is a controlling, manipulative, deceitful and evil person. He would like to think that he is laid back and reserved in his judgments, but really he is more judgmental than anyone I know but it is made worse by the fact that he acts so unspoken about it. At least if I don't like someone, I will make my feelings known (by writing about it in my blog :))

But that is by far the BEST thing about him. I couldn't possibly tell you the worst without someone whom loves me reading this and wanting to kill him. Lets just leave it at evil shall we?

So this is basically me saying "FUCK YOU CUNT", I can write about whatever I like and will not tweak or edit my words. I will not be controlled by you any more!?!?! Get That? good....

Peace out x

An explanation...

I know it's been a while. The reason for this is three-fold; 1. I had the worst ever sleeping pattern known to man and although I tried my best to get back in sync, I failed. I would spend all night up watching things online but when I thought about writing my blog, I would become depressed and think about the time I have wasted. 2. I have done nothing with my time therefore, have nothing to write about. 3. I Just couldn't be bothered. Writing a blog is supposed to be a way of venting your emotions and recalling the things that have happened that day, not a chore.

But not to worry, I'm back now. and I have something to tell you about. Firstly, let me start by saying that I am in a much better state of mind than the last few days. I think sleep has a lot to do with this, but also, on Saturday night Diane had a talk with me bless her. She made me cry because it seemed as if she was inside my head. She knows me almost as well as my dad does, and I thought he was the only person that knew me in that way. She observed that I have lost all of my confidence. This is very very true although I only really admitted it to myself that night. I know how I lost it, but more importantly I know how to get it back. I never used to be a confident person.. I was always bubbly, yes, but that's not the same as having self confidence. Before I went to University, I had the mental strength that I admire in people like my father. I basically said "sod you world" and went about living my life as I wanted to. When I went away I met someone that changed me considerably. I won't deny it, I fell in love with this boy and he broke my heart. In fact it's still broken. But having never been in this position before, I had no idea how to cope with it. I was away from home for the first time in my life, broke, which made life almost unbearable, and then throw in falling for someone that is VERY wrong for you and you have a disaster.

I have been in love before, once, but he didn't break my heart. I still love him very dearly and would do almost anything for him. He loves me too which makes it easy to bear not being with him. This one, on the other hand, played with my heart. I laid my cards on the table from the first moment which, I can now see in hindsight, was the worst possible thing I could have done, but that's what I did. You see I spent my formative years in a rural village, surrounded by good, honest people that you can take at face value. I was not used to being on edge all of the time, waiting for someone to hurt you. I obviously learnt this the hard way, in more ways than one, and you can bet that I will not make that same mistake again!

But all of this, the controlling, will-breaking person that he was, nearly killed me. It certainly killed my spirit. He was just no good for me at all, and he must have known it on some level and for this I thank him for not letting us get too involved. Too involved- HA! We were practically a couple, all bar the officiation of it. It was the deepest thing I have ever been in, but not that he has ever been in. I constantly felt compared to the Ex, even though that wasn't a particularly good relationship.

Ah well, that is over with now. We're still friends and I have no doubt that I will harbour feelings for him for a long time. But for all intents and purposes, it is dealt with.

I know have to deal with the aftermath, the confidence restoration and finding me again. I know that I will be able to, I've done it before after I suffered abuse at the hands of my step mother. In fact the situation s quite similar in that she abused me, changed who I was and suppressed my soul to the point where I had to leave my family. My dad and sisters, which killed me, and move to my mothers. I managed to make myself a better person from it with the help of some amazing friends and a little bit of guidance from unexpected places :)

I really can't write anymore, I am so tired. I will write some tomorrow, even if it's just a quick quip ;) Oh and I have a job interview tomorrow evening so wish me luck!

Peace out.

So I'm a Pagan...

Today has been a day for absorbing. I woke up late, I should have had an interview but that went down the spout. This is what happens when you let a conversation on Facebook go on. I should have gone to sleep but by the time we had finished talking, I had a stomach ache due to the late hour and just couldn't settle.

So when I did eventually get up, I felt like I had wasted the day away. I took to trying to sort my life out a little and did some washing. Then when the Padre came home, we went to do our various forms of exercise. I went to the baths and he went to the Gymnasium. It turned out that the pool was closed tonight due to private classes. I wasn't best pleased but thankfully the baths also have a library attached. So I spent some time pouring over a very interesting book regarding spirituality.

I have always been extremely interested in spirituality as I think it basically defines us. Just as I am intrigued by all things to do with sexuality, I love to know what makes me how I am, and the different theories on how our bodies interact with others and the world we live in. They basically go hand in hand together and often cross over. For example, my religion, if I am ever asked on a form, is Paganism. Paganism is a very broad term, however, and encompasses many religions that are native to the British Isles. It's basically a collective term for Wiccans, Druids, Shamans, Sacred Ecologists, Odinists and Heathens. We all have one thing in common and that is a respect and reverence for the earth and the spirit that compels it. Because it is all about the natural cycle of the earth and our bodies, nudity is obviously a contributing factor. Personally, I find it extremely interesting the way that we all have our own personal cycles that coincide with the moon, weather and the rest of the world. I don't just mean menstruation either,, the way our moods are affected by weather is intriguing, I also find that I feel a certain way towards someone at one point in the month. This is due to my hormone levels being at a particular point, totally unique to me!

I may have to do a post all on its own about this, I am getting way too excited and I want to talk about the rest of my day. So anyway, I did that but the silly woman (chav) in the library wouldn't let me take them out. She said that the librarian had left for the day and that she wasn't authorised. Well why advertise that the library is open until 7 30pm when the librarian leaves at 7pm?! Its just non-sensical.

So that was that. And now I have spent the rest of my evening cleaning the bathroom and watching crap on the TV. I did find this funny little video online. It's "The Black Hole" and it's done by Future Shorts. It's very odd and interesting but really draws you in.

Peace out.

Eventful day, but not for me...

So it's always good to get a phone call from your sister telling you that she lost her virginity... Yeah, was a bit of a shock to me too, I mean, I know that she is 16, nearly 17 and in a relationship, but still.

It just reminded me of how old I am and how old they are. They're not my little sisters anymore, well they are but just not that little. I guess I have to kind of accept that and get on with it. Learn how to be a good big sister, but more than that now, I have to be a best friend. I never had that when I was their age and made a lot of mistakes. I know that obviously they have to make the same mistakes otherwise they will never learn but at least I will be there to pick up the pieces (and kick the guys head in if need be). Stupid situations that I know every girl will have been in at least once, like having unprotected sex, being in an awful relationship and getting dumped. All of this I have been through and now they will go through it. I don't want them to get hurt but on the other hand it has helped to make me who I am now :)

Well this really wasn't what I thought I would be writing about tonight. I expected to amble through some crap about getting my room finished and having an interview tomorrow. But this caught me so off guard that it was impossible to ignore it.

So now that's done, onwards and upwards. I do have a job interview tomorrow in T-Wells, that's where the action is I hear. It's at 2:30 so I need to leave the house by 12pm. I have to catch one bus and a train.. ah well. Such is life without a car :/

Peace out x

I don't think D.I.Y is for me

So I thought that,as I will be here for a while (4months), I'll decorate my bedroom. My brother Matt had stupidly decorated it before me and my dad had let him do it himself. Now one thing you may need to know is the my brother is an IMBICILE...and I don't use the term lightly. He painted one wall BRIGHT ORANGE and the rest a manky cream colour. It would have been ok if he hadn't done the shoddiest job ever.

So I am now left trying to cover up this disgusting colour with white. I then need to decide whether I actually want to cover one wall with paper or just use three canvasses covered in the paper. I may decide to use the canvasses as it's cheaper and, lets face it, cheaper.

The paper is gorgeous. It's bright and flowery but not childish. It uses light pastel colours which will match my patchwork duvet that I bought myself when I was at Uni.

Not only that but I have a baby blue bed frame that will match and a white washed chest of drawers (that I put together myself :)) It's all coming together and hopefully will soon be appreciated if ya know what I mean ;)

Peace out x

One massive great fucking step for Becky.....

Let me start by saying that this is purely for friends. No-one else would likely understand or care what I write about. In fact I doubt even my friends will! aha!

It all started the other night, around the 31st January 2010, when me and Jacko were talking about being in control of our lives. This is typical of our conversations at University :) He infuriates me but when you want to discuss something he will always give you something to argue against. Anyway, after this conversation I just sort of sat there thinking about how I felt at that particular moment. I wasn't happy, in fact I was verging on a bit "mardy". I'd felt like this for a while at University, it was down to a few things I think. Mainly due to my lack of life experience and the things that just come up at Uni. People are difficult to deal with at the best of times, but when you have verbal diarrhea, like me, it's bloody impossible! I don't think it was as bad as I felt it was, but when you're away from home and people make it quite clear that they dislike you, it brings you down.

All of this is consequential but not important anymore. The outcome was me, deciding that I didn't see the point. Now for those that actually know me, you will know that when I make a decision I don't change my mind. When I want to do something or decide something is not for me, there is no point trying to change my mind. So I made a plan that night. I would drop out of University ASAP and go to America. I have wanted to go to to the US for years now, more than I have wnated to go to Uni. Don't get me wrong, I've had Uni in my plans since I was a kid. To me it was just the natural progression after School and college. It's never been anything else. But when I thought of it all those years ago, I definitely saw myself somewhere better than Luton!

So I have been planning America now for a good 2 years properly. I'm not just going to go and travel, no, I thought the best way to have an adventure would be to work in something that I love at the same time. This is where http://www.wildpacks.com/ comes in.

I can't tell you much more at the moment. Basically I have paid my deposit as proof of intent. This means that I've secured a place in USA and provided I pay the total I'm there :) They have been trying to find me a place in the camp that wanted me last year "Camp Echo", but I think Echo have enough drama counselors. Oh that's the other thing, I'm teaching drama while I'm out there. They will pay more board and food for the summer. Plus I get $1200 at the end of the summer which I can spend on travelling until my visa runs out.

I'm so excited but theres not a lot else I can tell you. I haven't got it in writing yet from a camp, but when I do, you'll be the first to know!

Anyways, keep reading my blog for all the latest updates and I promise I will blog at least once a week. I can't promise it will be interesting though!

Peace out x