Tuesday, 8 March 2011

One of the many pains of growing up.

Every day, it seems, I learn a new lesson for life. Today has to be one of the hardest. It's never easy to look at yourself and take criticism, even if you are one giving it.
Today was a prime example, you see I have been an extremely silly and immature little girl. I thought that a fantastic way to get back at an ex lover and the girl he was "seeing" whilst involved with you, would be to do it virtually. By this, I don't mean pretend, I mean via the brilliant invention of facebook.
You see I knew the dates, times, places that the two went out together and I thought I should correlate this data, enclose it in an email and send it to the girls boyfriend. Oh did I forget to mention she had a long term boyfriend? LOL
Now, another thing that I've learnt about myself, is that I ma a coward. I'm not in certain situations, but when it came to be a bitch and hiding behind a computer screen, I was. So the only way around it, I could see, was to create a fake account and do it through them. That is exactly what I did, adding people from the University so as to make it seem legit, and using a picture form another friend there. Oh it all seems so easy... and I would have gotten away with it too, if it hadn't been for you pesky kids! (or rather me being too bitter and creating a very nasty group "******* is a two timing whore", and inviting people from the Uni to join)
That is where my great plan went wrong.
3 weeks down the line and my ACTUAL friends have fallen out with this girl because of me, thus making them dislike me :/
Totally my own fault and yet I am taking the victim route here, if it's all good with you. I mean when I talk to other people, I make out that I'm fine about it and have moved on. Like it's nothing. But it really made me evaluate myself and recognize that I'm actually not a very nice person. I am childish, petty and very very bitter. I blame this on Wendy. I know that's a cop out but I honestly believe it. I still haven't dealt with any of my past, testimony to this is the fact that I dream about her or it at least once a week. I need to sort this out or I'll never be able to move on. It's almost like I want compensation for it, which is obviously impossible.
So that, coupled with the fact that my first real test of trust was taken today. I started my new job yesterday and have struggled to not trust easily, which, as we have seen has been my major flaw forever. It gets me into so much trouble, in more ways than one. I've tried though, I still am trying. I know that it's part of growing up and seeing the world for what it really is. I don't want to be cynical like my dad, but to be fair, he's never been taken advantage of (and in this I clearly don't count Wendy).
I guess that cynical is the only way to survive in this world. I just hope I don't lose my imagination and enthusiasm for the world. I have to believe that there is good in everyone and hope in the world. Otherwise, what's the point?
Peace out xx

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