Monday, 21 February 2011

An explanation...

I know it's been a while. The reason for this is three-fold; 1. I had the worst ever sleeping pattern known to man and although I tried my best to get back in sync, I failed. I would spend all night up watching things online but when I thought about writing my blog, I would become depressed and think about the time I have wasted. 2. I have done nothing with my time therefore, have nothing to write about. 3. I Just couldn't be bothered. Writing a blog is supposed to be a way of venting your emotions and recalling the things that have happened that day, not a chore.
But not to worry, I'm back now. and I have something to tell you about. Firstly, let me start by saying that I am in a much better state of mind than the last few days. I think sleep has a lot to do with this, but also, on Saturday night Diane had a talk with me bless her. She made me cry because it seemed as if she was inside my head. She knows me almost as well as my dad does, and I thought he was the only person that knew me in that way. She observed that I have lost all of my confidence. This is very very true although I only really admitted it to myself that night. I know how I lost it, but more importantly I know how to get it back. I never used to be a confident person.. I was always bubbly, yes, but that's not the same as having self confidence. Before I went to University, I had the mental strength that I admire in people like my father. I basically said "sod you world" and went about living my life as I wanted to. When I went away I met someone that changed me considerably. I won't deny it, I fell in love with this boy and he broke my heart. In fact it's still broken. But having never been in this position before, I had no idea how to cope with it. I was away from home for the first time in my life, broke, which made life almost unbearable, and then throw in falling for someone that is VERY wrong for you and you have a disaster.
I have been in love before, once, but he didn't break my heart. I still love him very dearly and would do almost anything for him. He loves me too which makes it easy to bear not being with him. This one, on the other hand, played with my heart. I laid my cards on the table from the first moment which, I can now see in hindsight, was the worst possible thing I could have done, but that's what I did. You see I spent my formative years in a rural village, surrounded by good, honest people that you can take at face value. I was not used to being on edge all of the time, waiting for someone to hurt you. I obviously learnt this the hard way, in more ways than one, and you can bet that I will not make that same mistake again!
But all of this, the controlling, will-breaking person that he was, nearly killed me. It certainly killed my spirit. He was just no good for me at all, and he must have known it on some level and for this I thank him for not letting us get too involved. Too involved- HA! We were practically a couple, all bar the officiation of it. It was the deepest thing I have ever been in, but not that he has ever been in. I constantly felt compared to the Ex, even though that wasn't a particularly good relationship.
Ah well, that is over with now. We're still friends and I have no doubt that I will harbour feelings for him for a long time. But for all intents and purposes, it is dealt with.
I know have to deal with the aftermath, the confidence restoration and finding me again. I know that I will be able to, I've done it before after I suffered abuse at the hands of my step mother. In fact the situation s quite similar in that she abused me, changed who I was and suppressed my soul to the point where I had to leave my family. My dad and sisters, which killed me, and move to my mothers. I managed to make myself a better person from it with the help of some amazing friends and a little bit of guidance from unexpected places :)
I really can't write anymore, I am so tired. I will write some tomorrow, even if it's just a quick quip ;) Oh and I have a job interview tomorrow evening so wish me luck!

Peace out.

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